Gotta Have Faith

I have been so very cranky lately and unfortunately for everyone around me, I can't seem to figure out why or what to do about it. It's like no matter what I do or where I go there is very little that truly makes me laugh these days. I keep thinking that maybe it's the heat or at least the change in the weather that is causing me to be so discontent with my current state of mind. Normally, this is my happy time of the year when everything is pretty and green. A weekend at the pool will be a welcomed vacation from my everyday schedule and may be just what I need to hit the reset button on this melancholy. Now, I am certain that my friends and loved ones will be so glad to see this mood lift and moving onward because I know that I haven't been a jewel to be around lately. Mr. Big asked me what exactly triggered this episode and as I tried to search my brain for an answer, one did not come immediately. Although I attempted to be as honest as I am capable of, I really didn't know what brought this terrible feeling of dread on. After careful consideration, I think it was Maggie and her distraught break up with what she thought was "Mr. Right" that sent me into a downward spiral of depression. I can't for the life of me figure out how a young, beautiful, strong, talented, and educated girl like Maggie hasn't found "it" yet only "Mr. For the Moment". And if she has all of the qualities that are carefully sought out by hundreds of guys, why is this so hard for her? And if she's having this hard of a time, what does that mean for me? She ran into him last night while going to pick out a movie. She fled the scene without even getting a movie only to see that he was dressed nicely and it seemed he was going out to Nashville. She called asking me what she should do or how she should feel. My answer: Insert Mad HERE! She is one of those sweetie pies that tries to never become so overwhelmed to the point of actual outward anger but it causes a bit of damage holding it in. Unlike her, I wear my feelings on my sleeve to the point of being annoying. I really should work on that..... As open as I am, I can't seem to be uninhibited with my own Mr. Big. When he asks me things that are personal, which is somewhat rare, I pull out one of my sweet doe eyed looks and duck the question. This is ironic because he is the one that not only perfected this technique but he is also the one that taught it to me. I never avoided things before, but now I am terrified to speak my mind. Thinking that maybe there is no perfect match for me is such a silly and immature notion but talking about it to his face just mortifies me. I know he will probably read this and hopefully better understand my dilemma but I feel some how less lately. Romance, much like a garden, must be weeded and tended to. Maggie and Mr. Big neither one agree with me on that. They both feel that it is earth shattering and amazing and certainly outside of one's control. Maybe I am too much in my own head here, but it is selective to a painful degree. If I ever have had an at first site type of situation, it was with Big. I remember getting this tingly feeling that was electric and took on an energy all of it's own. What is unclear is whether I felt that feeling all by myself, but what is clear is that it was powerful enough to last for quite some time for me. There are very few things about him that I think are negative, and I mean very few things, but it is so hard to concentrate on building a relationship when no one's works out around me. I mean no disrespect to Big at all by making the previous statement. Maggie seems so ideal for the picket fence lifestyle with her dreams and goals but for some reason she and me alike have to trudge through all of the lies, deceptions, and inconsistencies in order to reach our very own happy endings. I am biding my time for now along with every other girl I know waiting on that guy that makes it all real to me. The one that isn't full of crap or tells elaborate tales in order to get just what he wants. I want the one that makes all the others seem like boys by being a man. Sitting here now I am wondering how much is too much information, especially since yesterday Big said I give away too many details, but I do care for him very, very much. He is very strong and regal in his own way but seems to have his own battle with melancholy going on too. My goal is to try and make him relax and just be able to be himself while he is with me. I normally try very hard to just be as sweet and kind as possible, but with him it comes very natural. So,whatever funk I am going through, or the one that he is going through, I hope so much that we can be normal pretty darn soon. I am missing that warm fuzzy feeling that he gives me when he smiles at me as I get out of my car or when he gives me a hug as I enter his house as though he really missed me. I know he's done it almost every time I get over there, but with all the doubt that Maggie's giving me, it's just hard to respond to it by giving in completely. Mags, this isn't your fault at all, but it's just a strong dose of reality that I wasn't expecting. I wish so much that I was as tough as Mags is being right now. She is coping as well as can be expected with the wake of the U.S.S Dumped. Maybe I got a little off topic just now, but I do feel a bit better to get it out there and say hey I just feel weird right now. Hopefully, it will go away. Truly, I already feel a bit better just writing it now and getting it out in the open. Ok, I think from this point on I'm going to just shake it off as best I can. I want to buy into the on cloud 9 thinking and that love is coming my way, so maybe if I believe it will come. Sort of like field of dreams. Maybe I'm not giving LOVE enough credit and certainly not faith. So I guess I should take George Michael's advice and say to myself, but you gotta have faith!

Until next time, have a great Friday and keep the faith.