An Inspiration

In previous blogs I have discussed how I have a new found love for audio books. I just love someone reading to me and of course I get so involved in the books themselves that I can't stop listening until they are finished much like I am with movies. Story Telling by Tori Spelling is my most recent book that I love especially because she is the one that read it and in her own tone made it come to life. Living her life through her stories somehow made me contemplate things about my own life. She told many extravagant tales about things that she went through as a rich girl growing up in Beverly Hills with the very famous last name of Spelling. For the most part, I can relate to her thoughts and feelings in many ways as she travels back in time to speak about her experiences and hardships of becoming a woman. The way she talked about questioning herself and her behavior, constantly, always seemed to speak to me. I also worry constantly about being too much like some of my family members but not enough like others or talking too much even though that's just me. Often people compare me to another member of my very own family that I dare not name and this never fails to infuriate me on some level even if the comment was made in jest. Tori told a story about coming into her own person and feeling as though she had finally found her niche in the world. Also she spoke about her love with Dean. Ah, anyone that watches their show along with me knows that they really have something real. The type of relationship that everyone prays for many years. They look, sound, and seem like the real deal which makes me nauseous and happy at the same time knowing that someone found "it".
I know that people find love all the time and if I opened up my mind and stopped making stupid decisions I would probably come into my own much quicker and without near as many struggles and heartaches. Very few moments in my adult life have been magical for me in any way. Most of them are a uphill fight that usually ends in a mediocre finale by way of partial satisfaction and then ultimately tears. Now I can't deny she was in a better financial position than me all of her life; however, I still feel somewhat drawn to her story even though I could never really relate to growing up that wealthy. It wasn't always easy for her to communicate with her family for certain reasons and I can relate. It was always living in the shadow of her loved ones and their legacies as well, and I can relate. (Good or Bad) She couldn't have any luck at all when it came to love and the men in her life and trust me, I can so relate. Somehow I just need to relax and let it all happen the way that it should which is so very difficult to be patient. The way she has been describing how powerful the love was that she felt when she met Dean and how it took over her whole being like a drug was an inspiration to me. Maybe love is real and out there for the finding, I am not sure but it sure is something to think about for a minute.

People tell us all the time that there is one person for every one of us. I don't normally believe in this propaganda, but I have recently decided that I desperately want to. Something in me is changing right now. It's slow and dull but it is happening and becoming clear to me that I am growing. I really wish I was growing up or growing away but deep down I suspect I am healing. Finally! I am healing from old hurts and wanting something to happen again. Finally I am starting to feel like I can shed all of the gunk that has been packed all around me all of my life. You might say that I am trying to grow some optimism much like I have been growing layers of thicker skin over the years. It's been painful up until now, but I feel more relaxed now. It is unclear whether I have met "him" or not or whether this adventure I am on right now will play out but I do know that Big makes me feel like a quieter soul. I don't have to sing or dance or any other type of hypothetical performance that I am so used to resorting to when I am around people. It is just me and him together no matter where we are or what we do. Oh, and most of the time it's Tuckie too. :) There is just a deep sense of understanding and equality between us as friends and it makes me feel like I could fall for him over and over again even after all of the bad stuff has happened. I am breaking free of a feeling of dread that I refuse to nurse any longer. I know bad days will come and go and sometimes I will need reminding of that, but I want to look forward to sunny days. Happiness is a state of mind just like anything else and I yearn for it and will just learn to be happy. Big has made huge a difference in the process. Whether this thing works out or comes apart, I will always be thankful that he helped me bring the hope back. When I met him almost two years ago, I was just about dead inside and mostly on the outside when it came to relationships. I wanted no more pain, ya know like the song No Woman, No Cry! I could completely see why that equation made sense. In my eyes it was, no man equals no tears. And as humorous as that idea is, it has undeniable merit. I started thinking that maybe if I stay single then I won't hurt anymore, but then came the loneliness that I couldn't cope with. I am a Leo and I epitomize everything that means. I am vocal and extroverted and typically wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am emotionally driven and enjoy the passions of life, but most of all I hate being alone the majority of the time. Whoops, no man, no cry didn't help. Actually, this was much worse feeling abandoned and alone and it didn't help that I am not at my desired weight. For now, I am content with my little situation. We had a special moment last night that was sweet and simple and it made me remember why I am around him. He makes me feel like me that's why. Hopefully, I can continue to de-gunkify my little existence. I hope he understands and knows how much I care for him.